On the fluidity of personality and feeling

I’d like to be perpetually joyful, but it just doesn’t happen sometimes.

Some lessons take longer to be learned.  There are days upon days when some things don’t make sense even when God seems to be blaring it (not that He would be so inclined to blare, but maybe declare) straight into my ear.

I wish I could be more constant.  Constancy is godly, something lofty and difficult and altogether desirable.  My God, after all, is timeless and unchanging.

Reflections of one sitting in the light

Jesus answered them, “Do you now believe? Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. (Jn 16:31-32)

So yesterday, I was so busy with my household chores and my escapist amusements that I, effectively, left Jesus alone.

How easy it is sometimes to keep busy without remembering to pray.  Like one makes a choice to leave work early to be with family, or to choose one appointment over the other to spend some time with someone important, I need to do this for my Lord, too.

 Many a Christian worker has left Jesus Christ alone and gone into work from a sense of duty, or from a sense of need arising out of his own particular discernment. The reason for this is the absence of the resurrection life of Jesus. The soul has got out of intimate contact with God by leaning to its own religious understanding. There is no sin in it, and no punishment attached to it; but when the soul realizes how he has hindered his understanding of Jesus Christ, and produced for himself perplexities and sorrows and difficulties, it is with shame and contrition he has to come back.  - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest  (emphases are my own)

Mr. Chambers makes a good point.  We often get so wrapped up in life that we forget who we’re living it for.  Or we don’t, but we have our own ideas as to how to serve Him best.  But as we gauge that this thing and that thing is needed, how many of these things are actually non-negotiables in the Bible?  Sometimes we forget the most important thing,the oft ignored non-negotiable, quality bonding time with our heavenly Father.

Jesus, being a high priest who is familiar with our mortal tendencies and is no stranger to our troubles, walks the path we’re all expected to take:

In these days he went out to the mountain to pray, and all night he continued in prayer to God. Lk 6:12

All night!  Top that.  If I were to pie chart my entire life, or even my hours of ministry, I probably would not be able to produce a prominent chunk dedicated to just conversing with my Creator.

But in the name of my Savior, I continue to ask to be made in His image, that I may imitate Jesus in all aspects of my life including this private aspect of prayer.

Parting shots from the OC and the Holy Book:

We are not told to walk in the light of conscience or of a sense of duty, but to walk in the light as God is in the light. - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.  1Jn 1:7

Walking in the light is the best cleansing agent.  It turns out that the biggest steps toward God aren’t as taxing as we normally expect–just spending time with Him as we spend time with people we love is a great start.

But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Lk 10:41-42

My life according to a lolcat

 

From http://icanhascheezburger.com

 

So this, in a picture, is what my life looks like right now.

I have so many dreams.  Which is also why I have decided to pick the most important one first, chase and tackle and corral it, and THEN AND ONLY THEN run off in pursuit of the others.

Okay, that sounded waaay too serious and downright scary.  I originally just wanted to show you all the cute lolcat.

Domestic Demoiselle Deluxe

I woke up at 4:30 AM today and for lack of anything better to do (going back to sleep just seemed wrong at the time), I got started on the laundry.  I had a lot on my mind after the nerve-wracking happenings in the tail end of the week, and desperately wanted a break from any work-related thoughts.  I also ended up scrubbing the bathroom, prepping lunch, fixing up the living room, and cleaning up in the kitchen.

Yesterday, I read about what Heather Koerner wished she could tell her younger self about preparing to be a stay-at-home mom.  I could relate with a lot of her insights.  While a discussion on masters degrees and MBAs were common among my female peers, I was hard-pressed to find someone who was enthusiastically and vocally making preparations for staying at home to be a full-time mother.  I spent so many years studying just to assume a management traineeship at a bank upon graduation, but I had next to zero time investment in cooking, cleaning, and all the other glorious errands that would make a home of my own liveable.

This much I can say: Housework is no joke.  We new generation girls have really got some nerve assuming that we don’t need to prepare or study for it.  This month isn’t the first time we went without a helper, but since this is the first time I’ve been taking an active role in running the household, I am realizing every single day that the chores require just as much concentration, system, planning, and skillful execution as my next new project at work.  So maybe as I work at home I’m not doing regression analysis on our past grocery purchases, or sweet-talking a client into a manageable mood.  I am, however, trying to estimate with hard-won accuracy how much food to prepare for minimal leftovers, and negotiating with myself for a little more patience as grape-size pentel pen stain continues to gape defiantly at me from Robby’s polo shirt sleeve even after two hours of soaking in bleach.  

The Heart and its fatal deceptions

I wish I could understand the most proper place of feelings in my life.

On the one hand, it allows me to connect with people.

On the other hand, it makes me push them away.

Why do we want the things we want even when consequences abound like waves on a stormy sea?

What is the nature of this wanting, and what is its use?

Is it meant for evil, or meant for eventual good?

Why does it numb, when all it seems to make you do is to feel, feel, feel, feel?

These and other questions are swirling in my bosom in lazy light circles.

A lot of the time, I wish I could turn off my heart.

It brings nothing but ruin and hurt upon other people and makes me insist on my own way.

On the other hand, I don’t know how I’ll manage without it.

What’s life going to taste like without the seasoning of salty tears and bitter sorrow?

Is happiness an unworthy aspiration?  A selfish one?

Why do I have all these desires if all I am meant for is to serve other people?

Is there a way to acknowledge myself and be selfless at the same time?

My eyes are heavy.  By my mind, troubled and tossing, floats lightly overhead.

On Prayer

In prayer, one must hold fast and never let go, because in this game he who gives up loses all. If it seems that no one is listening to you, then cry out still louder. If you are driven out of one door, go back in by the other. If you are told, as was the Canaanite woman, that you do not deserve the grace for which you are asking, then reply like her that you lay no claim to unusual favors, but only hope to eat the crubs which fall from the divine table” – St. Jane Frances de Chantal

On Patience

“Whoever is out of patience is out of possession of his soul. Men must not turn into bees who kill themselves in stinging others.” – Jonathan Swift

Tomorrow is Sopas Day

So I spent the better part of this evening pawing through leftover rotisserie chicken, mashing it up with my fingers for the filmy wisps that are put in sopas.  I’m pretty excited to make it, especially since Art has requested me to bring him a serving when we meet up at Church.  Thank God there is at least one person on this planet who is excited to eat my cooking!

We lost yet another helper, but I’m conflicted as to whether it was a bad thing.  What’s sad is that we weren’t too sorry to see her go.  On the other hand–the maid’s character notwithstanding–it is a joy to do housework in times of horrid mental congestion.  I think I had too much on my mind because I left myself too little to do.  Now that we’re back to being self-sufficient, I can say goodbye to aimless evenings and weekends spent in front of the television, where the only pause I take is that moment where I say, “Where did the time go?  I can’t believe I have to go to work again in a few hours.”  To work with my hands while sorting things out with half a mind (which unbelievably seems to make everything easier to digest)–priceless.

Today, I did a few  washes of laundry and prepared and cleaned up after two meals (not an impressive task, since we were cleaning out the leftovers from the fridge).  I realized that this was a golden opportunity to sharpen my cooking skills, but after the dinner I prepared sat on the table for 3 hours without anyone wanting to eat I remembered why the thought never occurred to me before.  It is a real mood-spoiler for someone who wants to cook to serve her creations to people who have to be forced to eat.  I pray that the enthusiasm of my diners will be somewhat improved after marriage.  I desperately want to learn how to cook, but the desire isn’t enough to overcome the demoralization from having to beg people to come to the table.

Today, I also thought about plans and what direction my life should take.  I wasn’t able to make any grand blueprints for a legacy to span generations, but I did realize something important about myself: That I don’t have the foggiest idea what I want out of life.  At some point in high school–battered by the disapproval and argumentation set forth by well-meaning people as to their preferred direction for my life–I stopped fighting for what I wanted, locked away everything I wanted never to be indulged again, and proceeded with what other people wanted for me with the obedience of a robot. 

In short I have found that I am incapable of determining what I want for myself.  Heavy stuff.  Not to mention weird.  I have to get over it, though.  I’m sick of trying to figure things out.

2008 is all about SERENDIPITY

The unexamined life is not worth living.  - Socrates

2008 was a mixed bag.  I begun the year with hopes upon hopes upon hopes, a lot of which were dashed more cruelly than any hope was ever dashed before in my life, but I also found treasures along the way that I never expected, things much better than what I originally desired tucked in the most unlikely places.  In a word, this year is all about SERENDIPITY.  Many times this year I pursued something hotly, only to find something else that was more precious.  2008 has been life-changing, and I bless the Lord for it.

In defense of the Millenial Generation

If you’re between 15-30 years old, this generation is yours.

A good friend sent me this article via email, and I just had to read it. Judging from the history, it was shared by one good friend to another until it somehow found its way to me.

The ‘Trophy Kids’ Go To Work (from The Wall Street Journal, October 2008)

This is not my first encounter with a treatise on the evils of the millenial generation (i.e. us). True enough, as did the people my age who got this same article in their inboxes this past week, I saw myself in the words and a lot of them stung because they were true. Everything that made me an ineffective employee was mentioned or hinted at in this article. Every paragraph was a stinging exposure on the inner workings of my employee’s mind.  

But!  

Let’s not spend all our time heaping censure on the millenial generation. This generation has its fair share of evils and strengths as its predecessors. To our generation’s credit, there is a lot of hope for us yet because:

1. The millenial generation, in their uncompromising stand for work-life balance, fight to keep their relationships healthy. This is the generation that will refuse to break up the family since they spent most of their years growing up (for the Philippines, at least) under the care of yayas since both parents were working. A lot of people my age dream of going into business early in their lives to actually have more time for themselves and for the people they love, and not a few share my dreams of raising their own kids while sustaining home businesses. We just might be the generation to make the world a little less abandoned and a whole lot more loved one family at a time.
2. The millenial generation is also the slash generation, i.e. the racketeer generation. Advertisement designers now have the unique challenge of making mile-long titles of celebrity endorsers fit without looking like a block of text. Model/Marketing Manager/Blogger/Karter/Band Member/Animal Rights activist anyone? It’s not so strange now to be living so many different lives at the same time. The upside? Millenials are lateral thinkers who can approach problems from a multi-disciplinary perspective. I’m sure conventional business will never be the same again.
3. The millenial generation thinks that everything is possible, even humanitarian and civic causes. We are the slash generation, and thankfully many of the new labels pertain to involvement in charities, advocacies, and churches. When millenials want to clock out at exactly 5:30 there’s good likelihood that some of that time will be spent in a pet project in a shared vision of changing the world.
4. While it is true that Millenials expect clear direction at the start of every project (poor communication from bosses creates anxiety–I know this too well), they are also capable of building on this initial foundation complex and creatively imagined structures that just wouldn’t be possible if no time was invested to explain at the first opportunity the underlying principles and inner workings. Why invent the wheel every single time? What we need to to is really to just get the wheel, as basic as it is and as it exists, and move on to creating something better–such as a hydro-powered engine. To my mind, to map out point by point expectations and objectives, requirements, and initial strategies before a project should be recognized for what it is, not spoon-feeding, but insurance to take work out of the “passable” zone and clear into the “outrageously excellent” zone.
5. Millenials believe in working smart instead of working hard. Productivity doesn’t depend as much on whether you work 12-hour days 6 days a week as on how intelligently you plan your work so that it turns out better within a reasonably short period of time.

It’s late, and my mind has stopped functioning normally. What about you? What do you think makes the millenial generation a force to reckon with in the workplace?