Some lessons take longer to be learned.  There are days upon days when some things don’t make sense even when God seems to be blaring it (not that He would be so inclined to blare, but maybe declare) straight into my ear.

I wish I could be more constant.  Constancy is godly, something lofty and difficult and altogether desirable.  My God, after all, is timeless and unchanging.

These days I feel like a hypocrite.  So I just stay quiet.  And at times, things happen before I could think of a prudent response, so I stay even quieter–just to be safe.

Other times this week, I find myself catching my breath when I speak (so, again, I stay quiet).  As I lean back on the nearest backrest or wall to regain a bit of strength, I am awash with the awareness of my broken body and how it hinders me so.

Days when I am energy personified or when I feel that I own the world puzzle me on days like today.  If I could stash away the recipe for fabrication on bad days, what would its raw elements be?

Prayer and a smile and heaps of humor.  Clear air passages and an active body.  Good appetite and a healthy amount of money.

This recipe sounds like it’s a perishable mix.  There is some good stuff in it, but some of the other stuff sets off the spoil.

I look hard at people (thankfully they do not notice so much), trying to see if the grace with which they have been given to deal with me kindly is starting to run out.  I am surprised by their kindness, but horrified by the depraved behavior that comes from their naturally unwholesome core.  Methinks something is awfully wrong with this picture.

Writing feels good.  Threshing out these thoughts is like a salve to my weary heart.  Things look ever so simpler in the black and whiteness of this type-up confessional.

Jesus answered them, “Do you now believe? Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. (Jn 16:31-32)

So yesterday, I was so busy with my household chores and my escapist amusements that I, effectively, left Jesus alone.

How easy it is sometimes to keep busy without remembering to pray.  Like one makes a choice to leave work early to be with family, or to choose one appointment over the other to spend some time with someone important, I need to do this for my Lord, too.

 Many a Christian worker has left Jesus Christ alone and gone into work from a sense of duty, or from a sense of need arising out of his own particular discernment. The reason for this is the absence of the resurrection life of Jesus. The soul has got out of intimate contact with God by leaning to its own religious understanding. There is no sin in it, and no punishment attached to it; but when the soul realizes how he has hindered his understanding of Jesus Christ, and produced for himself perplexities and sorrows and difficulties, it is with shame and contrition he has to come back.  - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest  (emphases are my own)

Mr. Chambers makes a good point.  We often get so wrapped up in life that we forget who we’re living it for.  Or we don’t, but we have our own ideas as to how to serve Him best.  But as we gauge that this thing and that thing is needed, how many of these things are actually non-negotiables in the Bible?  Sometimes we forget the most important thing,the oft ignored non-negotiable, quality bonding time with our heavenly Father.

Jesus, being a high priest who is familiar with our mortal tendencies and is no stranger to our troubles, walks the path we’re all expected to take:

In these days he went out to the mountain to pray, and all night he continued in prayer to God. Lk 6:12

All night!  Top that.  If I were to pie chart my entire life, or even my hours of ministry, I probably would not be able to produce a prominent chunk dedicated to just conversing with my Creator.

But in the name of my Savior, I continue to ask to be made in His image, that I may imitate Jesus in all aspects of my life including this private aspect of prayer.

Parting shots from the OC and the Holy Book:

We are not told to walk in the light of conscience or of a sense of duty, but to walk in the light as God is in the light. - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.  1Jn 1:7

Walking in the light is the best cleansing agent.  It turns out that the biggest steps toward God aren’t as taxing as we normally expect–just spending time with Him as we spend time with people we love is a great start.

But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Lk 10:41-42

From http://icanhascheezburger.com

So this, in a picture, is what my life looks like right now.

I have so many dreams.  Which is also why I have decided to pick the most important one first, chase and tackle and corral it, and THEN AND ONLY THEN run off in pursuit of the others.

Okay, that sounded waaay too serious and downright scary.  I originally just wanted to show you all the cute lolcat.

Yesterday, I read about what Heather Koerner wished she could tell her younger self about preparing to be a stay-at-home mom.  I could relate with a lot of her insights.  While a discussion on masters degrees and MBAs were common among my female peers, I was hard-pressed to find someone who was enthusiastically and vocally making preparations for staying at home to be a full-time mother.  I spent so many years studying just to assume a management traineeship at a bank upon graduation, but I had next to zero time investment in cooking, cleaning, and all the other glorious errands that would make a home of my own liveable.

This much I can say: Housework is no joke.  We new generation girls have really got some nerve assuming that we don’t need to prepare or study for it.  This month isn’t the first time we went without a helper, but since this is the first time I’ve been taking an active role in running the household, I am realizing every single day that the chores require just as much concentration, system, planning, and skillful execution as my next new project at work.  So maybe as I work at home I’m not doing regression analysis on our past grocery purchases, or sweet-talking a client into a manageable mood.  I am, however, trying to estimate with hard-won accuracy how much food to prepare for minimal leftovers, and negotiating with myself for a little more patience as grape-size pentel pen stain continues to gape defiantly at me from Robby’s polo shirt sleeve even after two hours of soaking in bleach.  

Thank God I eventually grew a desire to learn about this side of being married and that I have enough time to learn as much as I can while Art is getting ready to propose again.  So how do I intend to go about it?  Carolyn Mahaney points to moms as the main instructor drawing from the Titus 2 mandate.  I guess I’ll have to be under internship with my mom, but since she’s out and about most of the time I suppose I’ll try to get some help from Pastora as well on the other things.

This week’s kitchen adventures (little things as they may seem, they represent big victories for me and my domestic dis-abilities):

• Breakfast in 30 minutes – To my credit, I am churning out breakfast almost like clockwork between 5:50 to 6:30, give or take a few minutes.  The key is multi-tasking – two burners fired up at the same time, ingredients preparation while the rice is bubbling to a boil, setting the table as the ulam fries.  The efficiency soothes the soul of my inner train engineer.  :)  By God’s grace, the rice is perfectly cooked every_single_time.
• Perfectly folded omelet – For the first time this Monday, I was able to fold an omelet into a perfect semi-circle.  Plus the inside had just the right doneness and moisture.  It was beautiful.
• Tablea champorado - A labor of love that had me grating tablea chunks in front of the TV as I caught snatches of the Academy Awards the night before.  Deliberately prepared in over-abundance so Art could sample some of it.  The tablea lent the dish a deep chocolate flavor that was full-bodied and unique.  The grating allowed the chocolate to melt perfectly without unsightly sediments.  To complete the dish, we very quickly browned up some tuyo and added a bit of milk to taste.  While my family consumed it silently and dutifully, Art polished off an especially large serving with gusto.  Good enough for me.
• Brussels sprouts in butter - Dismayed at the idea of serving up brussels sprouts plain the first time I was going to taste them, I got online to find out if there was anything easy I could do.  Because I started looking for the recipe after starting to steam the frozen veggies, I didn’t have much time to prepare anything else so I borrowed some elements from one recipe and another and made up my own.  So after tossing the steamed sprouts in rock salt and pepper, I fried them up in a little butter.  It was delicious, and amazing considering that there was really nothing to it!  No comment as usual from Papa who was my only customer for lunch today, but considering that he had about six sprouts must mean he liked it.  :)

So I’m probably not going to be serving up a Coq au vin or Cordon Bleu in the next few days.  Baby steps.  I know this wifery business looks incredibly daunting, but by God’s grace I know I will be able to step into the role when I am called to it.  After years with Art, I know what dreams he has that make his heart the gladdest in imagining: at the end of a hard day at work, a fresh wife at home ready with a welcome hug and kiss and hot dinner on the table.  God-willing, I’ll do my best to make it happen.

On the one hand, it allows me to connect with people.

On the other hand, it makes me push them away.

Why do we want the things we want even when consequences abound like waves on a stormy sea?

What is the nature of this wanting, and what is its use?

Is it meant for evil, or meant for eventual good?

Why does it numb, when all it seems to make you do is to feel, feel, feel, feel?

These and other questions are swirling in my bosom in lazy light circles.

A lot of the time, I wish I could turn off my heart.

It brings nothing but ruin and hurt upon other people and makes me insist on my own way.

On the other hand, I don’t know how I’ll manage without it.

What’s life going to taste like without the seasoning of salty tears and bitter sorrow?

Is happiness an unworthy aspiration?  A selfish one?

Why do I have all these desires if all I am meant for is to serve other people?

Is there a way to acknowledge myself and be selfless at the same time?

My eyes are heavy.  By my mind, troubled and tossing, floats lightly overhead.

We lost yet another helper, but I’m conflicted as to whether it was a bad thing.  What’s sad is that we weren’t too sorry to see her go.  On the other hand–the maid’s character notwithstanding–it is a joy to do housework in times of horrid mental congestion.  I think I had too much on my mind because I left myself too little to do.  Now that we’re back to being self-sufficient, I can say goodbye to aimless evenings and weekends spent in front of the television, where the only pause I take is that moment where I say, “Where did the time go?  I can’t believe I have to go to work again in a few hours.”  To work with my hands while sorting things out with half a mind (which unbelievably seems to make everything easier to digest)–priceless.

Today, I did a few  washes of laundry and prepared and cleaned up after two meals (not an impressive task, since we were cleaning out the leftovers from the fridge).  I realized that this was a golden opportunity to sharpen my cooking skills, but after the dinner I prepared sat on the table for 3 hours without anyone wanting to eat I remembered why the thought never occurred to me before.  It is a real mood-spoiler for someone who wants to cook to serve her creations to people who have to be forced to eat.  I pray that the enthusiasm of my diners will be somewhat improved after marriage.  I desperately want to learn how to cook, but the desire isn’t enough to overcome the demoralization from having to beg people to come to the table.

Today, I also thought about plans and what direction my life should take.  I wasn’t able to make any grand blueprints for a legacy to span generations, but I did realize something important about myself: That I don’t have the foggiest idea what I want out of life.  At some point in high school–battered by the disapproval and argumentation set forth by well-meaning people as to their preferred direction for my life–I stopped fighting for what I wanted, locked away everything I wanted never to be indulged again, and proceeded with what other people wanted for me with the obedience of a robot. 

In short I have found that I am incapable of determining what I want for myself.  Heavy stuff.  Not to mention weird.  I have to get over it, though.  I’m sick of trying to figure things out.

The unexamined life is not worth living.  - Socrates

2008 was a mixed bag.  I begun the year with hopes upon hopes upon hopes, a lot of which were dashed more cruelly than any hope was ever dashed before in my life, but I also found treasures along the way that I never expected, things much better than what I originally desired tucked in the most unlikely places.  In a word, this year is all about SERENDIPITY.  Many times this year I pursued something hotly, only to find something else that was more precious.  2008 has been life-changing, and I bless the Lord for it.

On blooming where you’re planted

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.   I can do all things through him who strengthens me.  Php 4:11-13 (ESV)

This year, I sought very boldly to desert my bright banking career to follow a dream, only to find out that my true calling was really a corporate job.  2008 saw the death of a childish dream and birthed an acceptance of the true means by which God willed me to bless the most people as I possibly could.  At the time I was trying to decide where to go, my new job glittered in seeming perfection in being an antithesis to banking in everyway, but after trying it out and spectacularly failing I realized I would rather be doing something I thought was boring in an occupation that prized my prime competitive edges–attention to detail, a fanaticism for customer service, and a keen analytical mind–and rewarded me richly for it so I could bless my family.

But!  The lesson from On High is to bloom where I am planted, so in 2009 (by God’s grace) I have decided to stay and defeat the disappointment of everyone around me–bosses, parents, and myself included, so I could someday restore my career to its intended track with my dignity intact.  An imagined poverty of fulfillment drove me out of the bank–an organization that was certainly not perfect but paid well, soothed my constant need for definition and structure, definitely did not view my unique  strengths as “diseases” that kept me from being productive, and was a rich mission field besides.  I look forward to again working for a similar organization in a field I have actual experience and academic credentials for.  

So, I am putting all the disappointments of the past behind and looking to the future.  There has been nothing in my life that has happened outside of God’s good, acceptable, and perfect will.  Previously, I could parrot this point to people who needed to hear it but never truly understand it myself–but after everything that’s happened, the concept is startlingly clear and moves me to praise my Maker.  In a sense, I am free now.  In my foolish fixation over a dream to write, I had counted my four years in the School of Economics as a horrendous waste, bitterly waved off raves from people about all I had achieved and wrote off every honor in that arena as a result of relentless effort and a strong sense of filial duty–nothing more.  Now I realize what that Magna cum Laude (0.07 points away from Summa) actually represented–that, hey, I *can* do math (and do it well, even though I still add and subtract at snail’s pace in my mind) and interpret graphs better than a lot of the smartest people in the nation and discuss issues of significance to my many countrymen who suffer from illiteracy, poverty, and hunger aside from being able to write and draw.  And being good at these other things actually felt good if I allowed myself to feel it, to be praised for them was to be praised for gifts from God.  Now, I actually am proud of it.  And I see no problem in building a career around it–maybe all after I show certain people that I am definitely not a loser (without so much complaining and with double efforts, working as one approved and rightly handling the Word of truth).

On giving it all up to take it up again in glory

Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son.  But the angel of the LORD called to him from heaven and said, “Abraham, Abraham!” And he said, “Here am I.”  He said, “Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me.”  Gen 22:10-12

This year, I broke up with and got back together with Art.  To be sure, what triggered the split was hardly a spiritual matter, but after two months of studying, praying, and setting my heart right with God there is no doubt that what we had both meant for pettiness, excess, and selfishness, God had meant for good.  The only thing that hasn’t changed in the last two months, perhaps, is my disdain of motorcycles–a petty thing that actually signaled the beginning of the end.

The Sacrifice of Isaac was the primary scriptural text for our church’s 2008 youth camp, and when asked to evaluate what in my life had been my Isaac, it was easily my relationship with Art.  Art is the love of my life, and had been the occupant of easily at least 30% of my waking thoughts.  I altered my schedule and my life goals to consider him, delighted myself in small acts of service and gifts for his comfort, and practically worshiped every part of him, sparing not even the smallest callus on his finger to a loving and admiring gaze.  To many people, I was either an angel of a girlfriend or an obsessed fangirl.  However you slice it, he was definitely competing with my First Love, and a change was in order if I was to grow in my faith.

After fighting bitterness for weeks after “the motorcycle incident”, I broke up with him over the phone one Saturday morning, sleep-deprived and corrosive like acid on styrofoam.  I would spend at least 4 days out of each week crying  it out for the next two months.  Though the desire to get back together nagged me mercilessly, God who became my best friend during this time kept me going, granted me hope that all this was happening for a reason.  Early into our break-up, we exchanged a list of five items each that we wanted the other to change if we would somehow end up together in the future.  Through an ingenious mix of special trials and blessings on both our ends, we somehow made miraculous progress in almost all items (there was no progress on the “exercise more” item–I’m still working on it), and were blessed by each other’s experiences during the many times we met up as friends during those trying times.  

At the right and proper time and place, God gave Art an opportunity to ask for me back.  That night, I looked up at the sky and remembered all I had studied and meditated and prayed for, considered the honorable man in front of me who now posed the question with intention, leadership and godly purpose, whispered “Yes”  while looking at those eyes I loved, and felt that as I stood at the altar I had laid my Isaac upon I gained God’s favor for my obedience and knew better His deep and glorious love for me.

On what makes a marriage work

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Eph 5:25-27

After seeing them fight like children for years, I have gained new respect for my dad who decided this year that their 25th anniversary would be a year-long affair.  This meant no fighting, small gifts and favors for no reason at all, trying to see Ma’s point of view even before she could bring it up, not nagging so much (there was much achievement in this area, though I know my brothers might beg to differ).  Even in his staunchly anti-Christian stance, he unwittingly performed the role of biblical husband this year, leading, loving, and providing for Mama with so much grace as only God could grant.  I saw him fulfill his share of duties even as Mama stubbornly stayed in her old ways, heard him rant a little, but press on ever more determined than ever to put her first.  I was personally blessed by watching him, knew that this was God’s loving response to a long-standing prayer I had in the years past, and continued to pray that all the godliness in him would lead to his acceptance of Jesus someday.

God has been faithful this year, blessing me richly in new friends (i.e. Ilia, Anna, the Mezzanine people), the continued support of old friends, harmony and provision in my family, growth in my personal relationship with God and my ministry to my cell group sisters (all of whom I love to bits and am blessed to care for), and many other things.  As with years past, I carry also unfinished business into 2009–like learning how to save (I’m armed with advice from the best person I know–Liz), respecting my parents better, and dealing with selfish people (who most of the time really just mirror my personal tendencies, making each experience an ephiphany of my own dark natures), and learning to complain a whole lot less and to work a whole lot more.  But, as Jesus has personally walked with me throughout this year, I count everything as gain and look forward to a more abundant life in 2009.